You’ve split me in half
and I’ve watched myself break
into these two separate pieces
that I never thought I would see.
Yet, you’re not even going to be here
to stop the bleed.
I’m tired of soaking through bandages
and losing blood
so I’ve finally gone
and stitched it all up myself.
I’m chasing brighter tomorrows
and building bridges
that once were burned
in hopes of casting sunshine
upon the place
I rest my bones on this earth.
I will not wait
and I will not sit still
I’ve done enough of that
waiting for you.
For so very long
I was terrified of this tragic end
but I know now
that the sun will rise tomorrow
and I can step outside
and begin to find my place again.
- 17th April
You’ve split me in half
- 13th December
How do I unravel the tangled ball of emotion and angst from inside of my soul? How do make it better? Make it feel normal again? How do I move forward when I feel so stuck and so terrified? How do i know what the right choices are when nothing speaks to me anymore and I feel as though I’ve lost my line of communication with the universe? How do I go on?
I finalize my divorce in a couple of days. I’m not satisfied with what the papers say but I’m feeling pressure to sign them anyway. I’m being told “just trust me…we’ve both stuck to our verbal agreements so far.” But that feels like it would be naive and foolish. I feel that if I bring an attorney with me though to fight the little nit picky things written in that make me uncomfortable I am burning the tiny bridge that I’d been hoping to leave open so that we can be friendly and amicable for our daughter. I carried her for 9 months and she is my everything…which is why I’m so uncomfortable signing the papers as they are. I feel like I’m giving up things that I shouldn’t be made to give up.
Last night, the person that I’m in love with (and have been for nearly a year and a half) finally came out with everything. He finally verbalized my largest fear…that “US” is an improbability anytime in the near future. That everyday, things happen in his life that push the chance of “us” further from reality and that he knows that eventually my patience will wear thin. We both love each other so much but the ties that bind him to what he’s in the middle of at this time in life cannot easily be severed. And so I’ve been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And I know that his heart belongs to me and that mine belongs to him…but I also have moments in time where this isn’t enough. Just know this isn’t enough to appease me. I still want to lay down with him at night and fall asleep in his arms. I want to wake up the next morning and know that no matter what happens in our day, we are coming home to each other and that will make the rest of the world seem insignificant in comparison. I want to know that he is mine to keep, forever.
Part of me feels that I’m being ridiculously selfish and that I should just continue to have patience because things happen in their own time and I shouldn’t force the issue. But another part of me feels like I’m also not getting any younger and that I know that I don’t want to continue to have to face life half on my own. I’m afraid that if I keep waiting, it will be in vain and that it will still never happen.
I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling very lost.
- 5th December
I’m not sure how you do it.
You strip me naked and rip open my flesh…
Digging around in the deepest layers of me
and ripping me to shreds until I feel raw and broken
and you find the answers that you are looking for.
While it’s happening I feel anger and it borders on hatred and helplessness.
But once it’s over…I can’t be mad.
I can only feel love and appreciation because each time you dig deep into my core, I learn something new about myself.
- 23rd November
Do you know
what it takes
to restrain the heart of me?
To keep at bay
while I sit and wait?
I am not sure
what I would do
If the wait is all for naught.
Please don’t hold me captive
In these dreams forever…
Dreaming my dreams
of a life with you.
- 21st November
I am still the same girl that for the last 10 years, you have referred to as “the nicest person that you’ve ever met." Still the same girl that gave birth to our beautiful little girl. The same girl that our daughter looks like a clone of. I am still the same girl that you promised, even if we end up not working, we’d still be friends…because after all that we’ve been through together, you considered me “one of your best friends.”
Now that it’s come to that point, I suppose you are finding it easier to hate me than to remember that I’m still that same girl and to try to be my friend.
This makes me sad. And I hope that for our little girl, this can change.
- 18th November
Getting a phone call that completely changes your life situation at the moment.
I am currently in the middle of a divorce. I have an almost 5 year old daughter. Earlier this year, I was in a really bad car accident and had to move in with a friend. I had trouble walking and taking care of myself for a bit and the apartment I’d been in was a 2nd story, so that no longer worked for me. While I was off work from this, I racked up some debt due to the additional expenses and the huge decrease in my income (and also from the cost of breaking a lease).
A couple days ago, I got an unexpected phone call from my auto insurance carrier to verify my income. She said they were calculating a “settlement” for the time that I missed from work. I was shocked…this was the 1st time it had been mentioned to me and I’ve been back to work for a few months now. She just called me today with the amount of the check they are sending to me.
I can’t tell you the weight this has taken off of my shoulders. I feel SO good knowing that check is on it’s way. I am getting ready to move in with another friend. My plan was to continue busting my ass at work and whittle away at my debt and save what I could. Then once my debt was gone, I could start saving for a new place.
The check they are sending me will completely get rid of all of that debt that I had hanging over my head. From this point forward, I can stop looking behind me and start saving for a little place that my daughter and I can call home!
- 17th November
- 17th November
Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?
Mary Manin Morrissey (via venebelle)
This reminds me of the following quote…
"Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head." - Esther Lederer
- 17th November
There are times when I find myself wondering if I’ve made the wrong choice. If I didn’t hang in there long enough. If I’m doing the right thing for my daughter. If I could have done more. If I’m going to regret what I’m doing. I beat myself up over how things have turned out because they’re not what I ever wanted for us. Then…We have a conversation like the one that we just had and you remind me that we can’t even talk. How can you live a life with someone that you can’t even talk to? Thank you for the reminder.